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Joined:
March 2004
Posts: 201
Location: Vernon, CT | Hey There,
All instruments have jokes about them but when it comes to joking we must also laugh at ourselves too. I was on some intrument joke sights about accordions, bagpipes and such and came across a few on guitars. One of my favorites on accordions was "What is the perfect pitch for an accordion?" Answer: "About sixty feet straight into the dumpster!" :) Or is that Epiphone guitar???? KIDDING! Here's one I really liked...enjoy:
"A fairly young, fairly attractive couple go to see a doctor and say they're having trouble making love. 'Could you watch us and correct any mistakes we might be making?' asks the guy.
The doc thinks it a bit unusual but says 'OK'
He watches for a while, offers a couple of suggestions and when they finish says 'well things look pretty good to me, you don't seem to have any problems'. To which the couple respond with 'things don't feel exactly right, do you mind if we come back next week for a little more guidance'. The doctor agrees and the couple return the following week. Once again they repeat the performance, get a tiny bit of help and leave quite satisfied. On the third visit the following week the doctor says 'look I really don't see any problem here, in fact I wish my love making was as good, why do you keep coming back?'
The young man says 'well to tell you the truth, I'm a guitarist in a rock band, live in a smelly old squat and don't make much money. she's married to this other guy who works from home so we can't go there. I can't afford to take her to a motel. this place is warm and friendly, we get free coffee and magazines while we wait and I get all the costs back from Medicare."
John L.
Custom Legend 1779-USA (soon to arrive per Al P.)
Legend LX
Balladeer LX
Std. Balladeer
Celebrity C026
Tornado (1970)
Takamine 12 String
Martin D16GT
Fender P-Bass
Fender Strat |
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Joined:
May 2004
Posts: 295
Location: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada | Alright, here's a humor challenge: describe the Ovation signature series guitars of our more prolific OFC writers - Tim Chapman, MWoody, Standingovation, Country Artist, alpep, cwk2, Stevechapman, etc.
The Ovation "Paul Templeman" signature series: you don't need to really think much when you pick it up; it already knows which chords you should be playing. |
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Joined:
March 2002
Posts: 15680
Location: SoCal | With Temp's, it should come standard with dead strings. Saves time.
Mine should start with Kevlar back. |
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Joined:
August 2003
Posts: 2246
Location: Yucaipa, California | ... I know! I know! the Tim Chapman model only has 5 strings and must be played with 3-fingers!...do I win??!! :D :D :rolleyes: |
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Joined:
May 2004
Posts: 295
Location: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada | Tim, you forgot to mention it has a very round shape and a kind of plinky tone. Can't say yet if you've won; I don't think everyone's checked in yet. But the thing is, try to describe some other member's signature model, not your own. That makes it harder. |
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Joined:
August 2003
Posts: 2246
Location: Yucaipa, California | ..."plinky tone"...sheesh...tupperware bowl...sigh...at least you can tell when the stage I'm on is level... equal drool from both corners of my mouth :rolleyes: :rolleyes:
... moody's would never let it's picture be taken? |
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Joined:
May 2004
Posts: 295
Location: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada | The Ovation "alpep" signature model: it has a tone so mellow and soothing strumming it produces a drowsy, narcotic effect. |
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Joined:
August 2002
Posts: 8307
Location: Tennessee | The stonebobbo signature model -- plywood top, dead preamp and three fret neck with Bozo the Clown inlays. |
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Joined:
June 2002
Posts: 1614
Location: Converse, Texas | stonebobbo: would that be matchbook plywood? |
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Joined:
August 2002
Posts: 8307
Location: Tennessee | Not sure, but when I open up the back of the bowl and look at the underside, it's a page from the Hartford Courant covered in glue. |
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Joined:
August 2003
Posts: 2246
Location: Yucaipa, California | ...when you close the back of the bowl, do you do the Tupperware "Burp"?? :rolleyes: |
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Joined:
August 2002
Posts: 8307
Location: Tennessee | Nope ... I like to lay the guitar face down on a hot day and watch the cover come flying off when the air inside heats up. Took a picture of it once and had it published in the Weekly World News, proving to the world once and for all that all three candidates for the presidency are from a different planet. :D |
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Joined:
April 2003
Posts: 2503
Location: Fayetteville, NC | The Steve Chapman Signature Ovation..
An Elite Style 12 String complete with the Lyrics to my new Song
" I can't Get over you until you get off of him" |
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Joined:
August 2003
Posts: 2246
Location: Yucaipa, California | Stonebobbo,
Is yours the
Medium Bowl
or
Shallow Bowl
:D |
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Joined:
April 2003
Posts: 2503
Location: Fayetteville, NC | That's before they attach the kneck, wood top, and strings . It then becomes the Stonebobo signature model. :rolleyes: |
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Joined:
August 2002
Posts: 8307
Location: Tennessee | Strings? What the heck would I need those for? |
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Joined:
August 2003
Posts: 2246
Location: Yucaipa, California | ...they make good strainers/graters/cheese slicers :rolleyes: |
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Joined:
January 2002
Posts: 14127
Location: 6 String Ranch | I noticed that ya'll forgot to mention the color on the Al Peppy model. Intentional oversite?
So guitarist jokes,
How many does it take to change a light bulb?
12, 1 to change it and the others to say they could do it faster.
What does a guitarist use for birth control? His personality. |
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Joined:
March 2002
Posts: 1380
Location: Central Oregon | Q: If you meet the guys in a band at a party & they don't have their instuments with them, how can you tell which one is the lead guitar player?
A: Don't worry, he'll tell you.
/\/\/ |
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Joined:
August 2002
Posts: 8307
Location: Tennessee | Q: What do you call a guitarist without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless. |
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Joined:
May 2002
Posts: 3005
Location: Las Cruces, NM | No question about cwk2 signature model.
It is a vintage Ovation banjo uke with a 3 cone resonator fabricated in lower slobovia from Coors beer cans and wood from discarded pallets. Strings are De Nefario's and the decals are crayon on Scotch tape. These were designed and built to overcome the deficits run up by his desire to play every golf course in Florida, using all the good material at the plant to fabricate his own design of a driver that turned out to have a limited distance of 4 yards and a loud cuss word. When you destroy one driver on every hole played, the factory is tied up producing drivers and the guitar production goes off shore.
A chapter of the Ovation History that is almost unknown, Dan Rather has the documents to support this, I emailed them to him this morning.
Bailey (I own one of these rare puppies in vintage condition including the fabled dog stains mentioned in his famous posts about how it sounds (Dog spoo was on one decal))
After I posted this someone emailed me asking what kind of pickups it had:
There was Scotch tape right next to the bridge with lines like "Haven't I seen you before somewhere?", " You remind me of my ex wife.", " You sure are cute, can I give you a ride somewhere?", and on the fourth string, "My wife doesn't understand me."
he pickups didn't work worth a S--t. |
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Joined:
August 2003
Posts: 4619
Location: SoCal | Bailey,
Bill must have lent that driver to Phil Mickelson to use at the Ryder Cup. |
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Joined:
January 2002
Posts: 14127
Location: 6 String Ranch | LOL!!!
Actually I don't cuss anymore now that we're in the days of nice. I just have become very religious. I talk to God and Boy Wonder (Sometimes I'll use his middle initial or even his full middle name) all the time and ask, "Why didn't you let my ball bounce out of the woods? Why couldn't it have skipped across the water? Why did you keep it from rolling in the hole? Why did you let my driver fly into the water? Why do you make these golf shafts so weak they break all the time?"
Since I've become a convert to the Church of Callaway my life has changed. Even the dog likes me sometimes now. |
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Joined:
December 2003
Posts: 13996
Location: Upper Left USA | Let us not forget the forgiveness expressed by St. Mulligan, bless his heart again and again.
Does Ovation make a Golf Ball? |
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Joined:
June 2002
Posts: 1614
Location: Converse, Texas | Bear with me on this one:
Why guitars are better than women?
* Guitars don't get pregnant.
* You can play your Guitar any time of the month.
* Guitars don't have parents.
* Guitars don't whine... unless you want them to.
* You can share your Guitar with your friends.
* Guitars don't care how many other Guitars you've played
* Guitars don't care how many other Guitars you have.
* Guitars don't care if you look at other Guitars.
* Guitars don't care if you buy Guitar magazines.
* You'll never hear, "Surprise, you are going to proud father of a new Guitar" unless you go out to buy one yourself.
* If your Guitar is flat you can fix it -- cheap.
* Your Guitar doesn't care if you never listen to it.
* Your Guitar won't care if you leave up the toilet seat.
* You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your Guitar.
* If you say bad things to your Guitar, you don't have to apologize before you play it again.
* You can play your Guitar as long as you want and it won't get sore.
* You can stop playing your Guitar as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated.
* Your parents won't remain in touch with your old Guitar after you dump it.
* Guitars don't get headaches.
* Guitars don't insult you if you're a bad player.
* Your Guitar never wants a night out with the other Guitars.
* Guitars don't care if you're late.
* You don't have to take a shower before you play your Guitar.
* If your Guitar doesn't look good you can refinish it or get new parts -- again -- cheap.
* You can play your Guitar the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.
* The only protection you have to wear when playing your Guitar is a decent thumb pick.
* When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great time you had the last time you played your Guitar.
and last, but not least:
If you decide to part with an old Guitar, you don't have to give up half of everything you own. |
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Joined:
April 2003
Posts: 2503
Location: Fayetteville, NC | Excellent!!!
yep, that's a good list Hizz!! |
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Joined:
May 2004
Posts: 295
Location: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada | On the other hand, my bank account doesn't get depleted by that other G-A-S (gal acquisition syndrome).
Alcoholics' guitar of choice: C.F. Martini? |
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Joined:
August 2003
Posts: 4619
Location: SoCal | re: Does Ovation make a Golf Ball?
marketing slogan could be "it sings as it flies..."
or like the older Ping putters...could make the "G" note when struck center, "C" flat when off-center. |
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Guitar Jokes