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Joined:
November 2004
Posts: 4413
| These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America, and
>>are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
>>now
>> > >>published by court reporters.
>> > >>
>> > >>
>> > >>___________________________________________________________
>> > >>
>> > >>ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
>> > >>WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
>> > >>_____________________________________________________
>> > >>
>> > >>ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
>> > >>WITNESS: July 18th.
>> > >>ATTORNEY: What year?
>> > >>WITNESS: Every year.
>> > >>________________________________________________
>> > >>
>> > >>ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
>> > >>WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
>> > >>________________________________________________
>> > >>
>> > >>ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
>> > >>WITNESS: Yes.
>> > >>ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
>> > >>
>> > >>WITNESS: I forget.
>> > >>ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
>>forgot?
>> > >>__________________________________________________
>> > >>
>> > >>ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
>> > >>WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
>> > >>ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
>> > >>WITNESS: Forty-five years.
>> > >>__________________________________________________
>> > >>
>> > >>ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
>>morning?
>> > >>WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
>> > >>ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
>> > >>WITNESS: My name is Susan.
>> > >>_________________________________________________________
>> > >>
>> > >>ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
>>voodoo?
>> > >>WITNESS: We both do.
>> > >>ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
>> > >>WITNESS: We do.
>> > >>ATTORNEY: You do?
>> > >>WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
>> > >>
>> > >>_______________________________________________________
>> > >>
>> > >>
>> > >>ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
>>sleep,
>> > >>he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
>> > >>WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
>> > >>_______________________________________________________
>> > >>
>> > >>ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
>> > >>WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one...
>> > >>______________ __ _______________________________________
>> > >>
>> > >>
>> > >>ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>> > >>
>> > >>
>> > >>
>> > >>WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
>> > >>_______________________________________________________
>> > >>
>> > >>ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
>> > >>WITNESS: Yes.
>> > >>ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
>> > >>WITNESS: Uh....
>> > >>_______________________________________________________
>> > >>
>> > >>ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
>> > >>WITNESS: Yes.
>> > >>ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
>> > >>WITNESS: None.
>> > >>ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
>> > >>______ _____ _______________________________________
>> > >>
>> > >>ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
>> > >>WITNESS: By death.
>> > >>ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
>> > >>________________________________________________________
>> > >>
>> > >>ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
>> > >>WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
>> > >>ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
>> > >>________________________________________________________
>> > >>
>> > >>ATTORNEY : Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
>>deposition
>> > >>notice which I sent to your attorney?
>> > >>WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>> > >>________________________________________________________
>> > >>
>> > >>ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
>>dead
>> > >>people?
>> > >>WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
>> > >>________________________________________________________
>> > >>
>> > >>ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
>>to?
>> > >>WITNESS: Oral.
>> > >>________________________________________________________
>> > >>
>> > >>ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
>> > >>WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
>> > >>ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
>> > >>WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
>> > >>autopsy on him!
>> > >>________________________________________________________
>> > >>
>> > >>ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>> > >>WITNESS: Huh?
>> > >>________________________________________________________
>> > >>
>> > >>ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
>>a
>> > >>pulse?
>> > >>WITNESS: No.
>> > >>ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure ?
>> > >>
>> > >>
>> > >>
>> > >>WIT NESS: No.
>> > >>ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
>> > >>WITNESS: No.
>> > >>ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
>> > >>began the autopsy?
>> > >>WITNESS: No.
>> > >>ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>> > >>WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
>> > >>
>> > >>ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
>> > >>WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
>>practicing
>> > >>law. |
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Joined:
January 2005
Posts: 640
Location: boulder | you just made my morning...peace, thanks mike |
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Joined:
January 2006
Posts: 5881
Location: Colorado Rocky Mountains | Having spent 34 years working in the courts, I can appreciate these and many more. |
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Joined:
April 2004
Posts: 13303
Location: Latitude 39.56819, Longitude -105.080066 | That is too funny. I gotta track that book down. |
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Joined:
May 2004
Posts: 338
Location: Toronto | Thanks for the morning smile!! |
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Joined:
March 2005
Posts: 12761
Location: Boise, Idaho | I've heard most of those and here's another one from a case here in little old Idaho:
Attorney: Before we finish, are you aware of any other criminal activity that the Mayor was involved in?
Witness: I don't know. How do you guys classify having sex with animals? |
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Joined:
December 2003
Posts: 1071
Location: Carle Place, NY | Here's a true deposition story. A man claims loss of consortium (sex) as a result of his wife's injuries in an auto accident.
Attorney: Prior to you wife's accident, how many times per week did you have sexual relations with her?
Man: Five time a week.
Attorney: An since her accident, how many times per week do you have sexual relations with your wife?
Man: Once a week (man then breaks into a broad smile).
Attorney: Perhaps I misunderstood something here. I just asked you how many times a week you had sex with your wife before the accident and you said five, and now after the accident you now say that it is only once a week. Is that right?
Man: That's correct.
Attorney: So why did that make you smile?
Man: Because tonight's the night! |
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Joined:
April 2006
Posts: 2491
Location: Copenhagen Denmark | :D :D :D |
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Joined:
March 2005
Posts: 12761
Location: Boise, Idaho | A similar story to Mitch's, that happened to me early in my career, embellished by my memory:
Me: Ma'am, how often did you have sex before the accident?
Woman: At least once a night.
Me: You mean once a week?
Woman: No, once a night.
Me: With your husband?
Woman: Yes.
A few weeks later, I deposed her husband and it went something like this:
Me: How often did you and your wife have sex before the accident?
He: About once a week.
Me: She testified at least once a night.
He: In her dreams.
There attorney was an old timer. When I looked over at him, he had a bunch of papers in front of his face and was shaking uncontrollably. |
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Joined:
May 2004
Posts: 2850
Location: Midland, MI | You guys crack me up.
Say, Mark, I had breakfast this morning with a guy from Boise. He didn't know you, though.
:D |
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Joined:
March 2005
Posts: 12761
Location: Boise, Idaho | I'm only famous in small circles and Boise keeps getting bigger all the time. Maybe I know him. |
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OT - Ho ho ho