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Location: west virginia | any of you guys know any jokes...haha dumb question please i'm bored here.... :D | |
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August 2002
Posts: 8307
Location: Tennessee | Paddy was late to Mass, and couldn't find a parking place anywhere. He got more and more frustrated, especially since this was the first time he'd been to Mass in over a year. So finally he looked up to the sky and said, "Lord, if you give me a parking place, I promise to go to Mass every week, and I'll even give up the whiskey". He looks back down, and lo and behold, there is a parking place right in front of him! So Paddy says, "Never mind, Lord, I found one". | |
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Posts: 5332
Location: Bluffton, SC | :D :D
(BTW - great to see you again, Stoney!) | |
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January 2007
Posts: 69
Location: west virginia | lol that one's good | |
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October 2006
Posts: 5575
Location: big island | three guys who work on an oil derrick out in the gulf are due for a weekend furlough to the coast. on their helicopter flight to town one of them says, "hey guys, why don't we all find something special to bring back with us to the derrick. y'know, something we can do to help pass the hours. all this tv and beer drinkin' every night is gettin' old already." the other two agreed it was indeed a great idea. once in town, they went their separate ways and each set out to find the perfect thing to help while away the hours.
they met up for the flight back out to the derrick, packages in hand, each one content with their own choices and knowing the other two would be absolutely thrilled with their idea.
once seated inside the chopper, the white boy says, "okay guys, since it was my idea, i'm first." and he proceeds to pull a deck of cards out of his bag. "man, ain't this great? we can play poker all night and do some gamblin' with all that money we're a'makin'." the other two nodded their approval, but were not overly excited. the black boy was next and he reached down inside a rather large box and hoisted a boom box onto his shoulder. "yeah, blood, an' while we's a gamblin' we can boogie down to some funk!" the other two nodded and smiled in agreement. now the third guy, he's portuguese by birth. he says, "man, you two did all right, but it don't even compare to what i found. just check this out." he opens his bag and pulls out a box of tampons. the other two look at him as if he has gone totally berserk. the white boy asks, "what in the world are three guys on an oil derrick gonna do with a box of tampons, you idiot?" "well...", says the portuguese, "look right here on the back of this box. it says, "with this product, you can swim, horseback ride, play tennis, golf, jog, or any other normal activities".
(in hawaii, we tell "port-a-gee" jokes, instead of polish ones...) | |
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January 2007
Posts: 69
Location: west virginia | ROFLMBO that was good ....oh my ... my sides are still hurting from laughing at that one thank you guys....misty | |
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February 2003
Posts: 2178
Location: the BIG Metropolis of TR | Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After ordering their cornbread
and beans, they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard
business.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to
cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real
distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya' swallar?" The
woman shakes her head 'no.'
"Kin ya' breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head
'no.'
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress,
yanks down her drawers and quickly, gives her right butt cheek, a lick
with his tongue!
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction
flies out of her mouth! As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly
walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, "Ya' know, I'd heerd of dat dere 'Hind Lick Maneuver',
but I ain't never seed nobody do it." | |
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January 2007
Posts: 69
Location: west virginia |  they just get better....oh my too funny | |
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October 2006
Posts: 5575
Location: big island | | |
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December 2005
Posts: 1234
Location: Tidal Mudflats of Virginia | I just spit soda all over my laptop
"Hind Lick Maneuver" HAHAHAHAHAHA | |
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January 2007
Posts: 69
Location: west virginia | The Blonde and the Deodorant
The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don''t sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I''m sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don''t have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom." | |
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January 2007
Posts: 69
Location: west virginia | JUST WONDERING IF THESE SIGNS REMIND YOU ALL OF ANYONE OVER THE WEEKEND?
Top ten signs that you are too drunk
10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.
9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
6. You can focus better with one eye closed.
5. You fall off the floor.
5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.
4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.
3. Roseanne looks good.
2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.
1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up. | |
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April 2006
Posts: 972
Location: PDX | A guitarist walks into the music store and says, "I'd like to get some strings for my Ovation."
The clerk hesitates a moment thinking and then replies, "Ok, but you'll have to include the case too."
_____
gh1 | |
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July 2005
Posts: 3411
Location: GA USA | A group of scientists had the world's last female albino gorilla. Since she was the last, and they didn't want them to become extinct, they tried to mate her with all the male albino gorillas they could find, but to no avail. So they put an ad in the paper... "Man needed for scientific experiment - $500"
A um, Portuguese fellow answered the ad and asked, "What's this about an experiment?" They told him that they needed him to mate with a female albino gorilla. He replied that he would have to think about it for a day or two.
When he returned he said he's do it on three conditions. The scientists assured him that would be no problem, and inquired what the conditions might be.
He told them:
1) There will be no hugging and kissing
2) If successful, the child won't be raised catholic, and
3) "It's going to take me a few weeks to raise the $500" | |
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April 2006
Posts: 848
Location: Munich, Germany | A wealthy hospital benefactor was visiting the local hospital, when during her tour of floors, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my GOD!" said the woman. "That's disgraceful. Why is he doing that?"
The doctor that was leading the tour explained, "I am sorry, but this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they'll explode and he will die within
minutes."
"Oh, that's terrible," said the woman.
In the very next room they could see that a female nurse was performing oral sex on a different male patient.
"OH MY GOD!" said the woman, "How can that be justified?!?"
The doctor replied, "Same illness, better health plan." | |
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June 2006
Posts: 7307
Location: South of most, North of few | Originally posted by gh1:
A guitarist walks into the music store and says, "I'd like to get some strings for my Ovation."
The clerk hesitates a moment thinking and then replies, "Ok, but you'll have to include the case too."
_____
gh1 Now THATS funny :D | |
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December 2004
Posts: 4394
Location: East Tennessee | Subject: CRUISE SPECIAL
A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the
window, "Cruise Special -- $99!" So she goes inside, lays
her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise
special, please."
The agent says, "Yes, ma'am," the he grabs her, drags her
into the back room, ties her into a large inner tube, pulls
her out the back door and downhill to the river bank, where
he pushes her in and sends her floating down the river.
A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign,
goes inside, lays down her money, and asks for the $99
special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating
down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she
eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side
by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they
serve refreshments on his cruise?"
The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year." | |
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January 2007
Posts: 69
Location: west virginia | ok you guys will like this even tho im a woman posting it...!!!
Why guitars are better then woman..
Guitars don't get pregnant.
You can play your Guitar any time of the month.
Guitars don't have parents.
Guitars don't whine... unless you want them to.
You can share your Guitar with your friends.
Guitars don't care how many other Guitars you've played
Guitars don't care how many other Guitars you have.
Guitars don't care if you look at other Guitars.
Guitars don't care if you buy Guitar magazines.
You'll never hear, "Surprise, you are going to proud father of a new Guitar" unless you go out to buy one yourself.
If your Guitar is flat you can fix it.
Your Guitar doesn't care if you never listen to it.
Your Guitar won't care if you leave up the toilet seat.
You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your Guitar.
If you say bad things to your Guitar, you don't have to apologize before you play it again.
You can play your Guitar as long as you want and it won't get sore.
You can stop playing your Guitar as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated.
Your parents won't remain in touch with your old Guitar after you dump it.
Guitars don't get headaches.
Guitars don't insult you if you're a bad player.
Your Guitar never wants a night out with the other Guitars.
Guitars don't care if you're late.
You don't have to take a shower before you play your Guitar.
If your Guitar doesn't look good you can refinish it or get new parts.
You can play your Guitar the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.
The only protection you have to wear when playing your Guitar is a decent thumb pick.
When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great time you had the last time you played your Guitar.
and last, but not least:
If you decide to part with an old Guitar, you don't have to give up half of everything you own. | |
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January 2007
Posts: 69
Location: west virginia | What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common.
Both suck when you plug them in. | |
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October 2006
Posts: 5575
Location: big island | "why guitars are better than women"...
:D
guitars do have strings attached though. | |
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January 2007
Posts: 69
Location: west virginia | How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say they could have done it better. | |
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January 2007
Posts: 69
Location: west virginia | How do you make a guitarist's eyes light up?
Shine a flashlight in his ear | |
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March 2005
Posts: 1421
Location: Orange County, California | Two Minnesotans, Sven & Ole, walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if hecan help them. "Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in datcage up dere," says Sven.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake.
At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."
He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal,Ole shakes his head and says, "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie yumping is too dangerous for me."
VAIT!!!Dere's MORE!
Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hey, Ole. Vatch dis." Knute says.
He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Ole watches as half way down, Knutetakes the gun and shoots the parrot. Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrot shooting either."
BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE , you betcha!!
Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the petshop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken. Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Ole shakes his head. "First der was Sven with his budgie yumping, den Knute parrot shooting ... and now Lars, hen gliding .."
Don't Vait. Der ain't no more!! | |
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Posts: 5575
Location: big island | excellent joke, fred!
i've seen a few other forums that have a permanent thread for jokes. has this been considered, al? | |
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January 2007
Posts: 69
Location: west virginia | lol...... :D | |
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January 2007
Posts: 69
Location: west virginia | Q: Did you hear about the guitar player who locked his keys in the van?
A: Took him 3 hours to get the drummer out. | |
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Joined:
January 2007
Posts: 69
Location: west virginia | Q: How many guitar players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 5 - one to hold it in place and 4 to drink beer until the room spins | |
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January 2007
Posts: 69
Location: west virginia | WHY GUITARS ARE BETTER THAN MEN
Guitars don't work late.
Your Guitar stays as clean as you want it to.
Guitars don't have parents or kids.
Guitars don't get sick.
Guitars don't get overweight, unless you like the Jumbo style.
If you say bad things to your Guitar, you don't have to apologize before you play it again.
Your Guitar always has time for you.
Guitars don't watch TV.
Guitars never need a shave, nor do they have hair on their backs.
Guitars don't snore.
Guitars don't leave a mess in the kitchen or bathroom.
If you don't like the length of your Guitar's appendage you can get a new one.
You can try out as many Guitars as you like before you get your own.
You don't have to feed your Guitar.
Guitars never argue, you are always right.
Guitars never wake you up in the middle of the night, for any reason.
Guitars never try to show you off to their friends.
Guitars don't come home drunk after a night out with the other Guitars.
Guitars don't sneak around with other Guitars.
Guitars don't care what you look like or what your age is.
Guitars don't care and don't comment about what you spend your money on.
Guitars don't care if you have to work late.
When you're playing, your Guitar doesn't care if other Guitars are bigger or better.
Guitars don't care about their performance.
Guitars don't get you pregnant.
Guitars don't have mothers.
When you've finished playing, you can put it away.
You don't have to praise a Guitar after playing it.
Guitars don't sulk.
Guitars don't bore you.
Guitars don't abandon you at gatherings for more interesting players.
Guitars don't have to prove anything.
Guitars don't try to change you once you've bought them.
Guitars don't get jealous of your male colleagues.
Guitars never interrogate you.
Second-hand Guitars don't brag about previous owners.
Second-hand Guitars don't go to see previous owners when you're out of town.
You don't have to explain to a Guitar if you don't feel like playing tonight.
Guitars never put you down, yet you can put them down whenever you wish.
Guitars don't complain if you wear "sensible" clothes.
Guitars don't have egos.
Guitars don't need remote control units.
When you're lost you don't have to argue with your Guitar about stopping to ask the band for directions.
When your Guitar is being played too slow, you can speed up.
When you need someone to play with, your Guitar is happy to accomodate.
You buy the tools your Guitar needs; it doesn't buy tools that never get used.
You don't have to continually assure your Guitar that its string length is just right.
You determine the length and frequency of playing, and you're always in control.
Your Guitar never finishes before you do.
Your Guitar doesn't complain about your going out to dinner with your women friends rather than staying at home with it.
You never get helpful suggestions from your Guitar's mother.
Your Guitars will allow you to play it even on Super Bowl Sunday.
Your Guitar never complains if you put on a few pounds.
When your Guitar is dysfunctional you know how to get it fixed (and knowthat it can be fixed).
Your Guitar will never earn more than you do for the same job just because it's a Guitar.
Your Guitar never spends a "night out with the Guitars" and comes home with a strange rash on its fretboard.
and last, but not least:
Your Guitar will never turn into a beer bellied blob of wood and metal on the couch in front of the TV. | |
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January 2007
Posts: 69
Location: west virginia | A Pollack walked into a bar and sat down at the bar, where a news report was on TV. On the news a man was on a ledge outside an upper floor of a building threatening to jump. The bartender, who'd seen the news report before said, "I'll bet you $50 he's going to jump." The Pollack took the bet and put down a $50 bill on the bar. Then the man on the ledge jumped to his death. The bartender picked up the $50 bill but then, realizing that he'd taken advantage of a poor, dumb Pollack, his conscience got the better of him and he said, "Look, I'm going to give you back your money. I have to confess that I saw that news report before." "That's O.K.," said the Pollack, "I saw it before too, but I didn't think he was gonna do it again!" | |
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January 2005
Posts: 4903
Location: Phoenix AZ | Originally posted by Lanaki:
i've seen a few other forums that have a permanent thread for jokes. has this been considered, al? Personal opinion here, but I can't believe this thread is still open at all. Lifting up a womans dress, licking her ass, masterbation and oral sex?
I can only guess that Al's contactors must have showed up today. I don't know, maybe I'm getting old but at least when we veer off into sexual or racial innuendo within a topic there is usually some (very, very remote) link to the original topic. A thread dedicated to jokes? You're asking for disaster.
Dave
Dave | |
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January 2007
Posts: 69
Location: west virginia | A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.
The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer."
The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror.
She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now." | |
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January 2007
Posts: 69
Location: west virginia | A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”
To which she replied, “There certainly is!”
My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!” | |
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December 2004
Posts: 4394
Location: East Tennessee | If you're driving faster than the speed of light, what happens when you turn on your headlights? :D | |
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October 2006
Posts: 5575
Location: big island | Originally posted by Tupperware:
A thread dedicated to jokes? You're asking for disaster.
Dave yes, dave, and unfortunately one that would require too much monitoring. i had in mind the kind of jokes that could be easily shared with the family around the dinner table, et al. (and al! :D ) | |
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February 2003
Posts: 2178
Location: the BIG Metropolis of TR | A FEW DEFINITIONS:
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines. | |
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February 2005
Posts: 11840
Location: closely held secret | Originally posted by Tupperware:
A thread dedicated to jokes? You're asking for disaster. Yep. I agree with Dave on this one. Things go south way too fast around here as it is. | |
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January 2007
Posts: 69
Location: west virginia | :D hey i didn't start it....lol | |
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March 2005
Posts: 5567
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains | I enjoy a good joke as much as anybody; but "jokes" spring boarding off of gender, race, ethnicity, and sexual content are not humor and truly have no place in this forum. Even if I think they are ok for me, they might bring pain or shame to someone else or worse: they might suggest it is ok to berate humans in that manner, It is never OK to do that! Agape' Love (the highest form of caring) is this: Always thinking the best and always doing the best for others!
Blessings... | |
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Joined:
September 2006
Posts: 347
Location: Reno, NV | I copied this one, so don't shoot the messenger.. Thought it was pretty funny.
An Irishman, a Mexican, and a Redneck were doing construction work on a scaffold on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said; "Corned beef and cabbage. If I get Corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed; "Burritos again. If I get Burritos one more time I'm going to jump too."
The Redneck opened his lunch and said; "Bologna again. If I get a Bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
Next Day: The Irishman opens his lunch box, sees Corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death.
The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a Burrito and jumps too.
The Redneck opens his lunch, sees the Bologna and jumps to his death also.
At The Funeral The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says; "If I'd known how really tired he was of Corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again."
The Mexican's wife also weeps and says; "I could have given him Tacos or Enchiladas. I didn't realize he hated Burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the Redneck's wife....Hey, don't look at me," she said, He makes his OWN lunch!" | |
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October 2006
Posts: 5575
Location: big island | Originally posted by MusicMishka:
I enjoy a good joke as much as anybody; but "jokes" spring boarding off of gender, race, ethnicity, and sexual content are not humor and truly have no place in this forum. Even if I think they are ok for me, they might bring pain or shame to someone else or worse: they might suggest it is ok to berate humans in that manner, It is never OK to do that! Agape' Love (the highest form of caring) is this: Always thinking the best and always doing the best for others!
Blessings... mike,
this is no joke. i am married to a portuguese woman. she is so portuguese, she has papers. portuguese people feel they were put here in hawaii by God to help enhance the lives of others. laughter is good medicine and they are truly happy to help! in fact, portuguese people here tell "port-a-gee" jokes and love laughing at themselves. i totally understand your heart on this issue and i agree... up to the portuguese point. :D | |
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August 2006
Posts: 2804
Location: ranson,wva | you can tell all the irish jokes you want. we just get drunk and either laugh at our selvs or start fights..lol
heres my out look on that subject,you may think i dont have a heart or im just a numb person but its just a damn joke. take it from someone who has been laughed at and not ever been taken seriously for going on 24 years now,if you cant laugh at a joke and take it for what it is,A JOKE. then dont read it. just my thoughts. btw randy i happen to love portuguese food....mike,nothing persoanl just my opinion...jason | |
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February 2004
Posts: 548
Location: Up North | True story:
For years I thought my Mom's side of the family was French, turns out after an exhaustive search by an ambitious relative, we're really of Portugese decent. (family name: Killer, name changed to Joseph on arrival in Canada in 1688). Just thought I'd add some fodder for the Portugese jokes.
Go figure. | |
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October 2006
Posts: 5575
Location: big island | grif,
my wife's family on her dad's side are joseph's.
her grandfather was a french canadian playboy whose last name was seguin. married a joseph girl here in hawaii. | |
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February 2004
Posts: 548
Location: Up North | Whoah! we could be related, lots of Seguin's and Joseph's around here. | |
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March 2005
Posts: 5567
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains | Guys, no offence taken or meant...I actually wasn't refering to anyone speciffically; I'm a minister and look at all of the preacher jokes going around: 90 percent are great as are the ones you guys are referring to about yourselves, and no harm is intended. But my point is that some get carried away without thinking of the hurt it might cause someone else...lets just think about others and go the extra mile to avoid causing anyone pain if possible. Laughter is great: it takes more muscles to frown than laugh; but lets be caring in our humor...I've always been overweight as well and growing up heard a lot of "fat" jokes...some were really hurtful; perhaps not intentionally but hurtful none the less. I would not wish that on anyone. Laughing at ourselves without laughng at someone is the fine line...
Sorry to be so long winded...its a fat thing, lol! :D
Blessings... | |
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May 2004
Posts: 2850
Location: Midland, MI | Originally posted by Jason_S:
you can tell all the irish jokes you want. we just get drunk and either laugh at our selvs or start fights..lol I resemble that remark. Except for the fighting. And I'm only part Irish (and no, I'm not telling which parts).
Originally posted by Jason_S:
...take it from someone who has been laughed at and not ever been taken seriously for going on 24 years now,if you cant laugh at a joke and take it for what it is,A JOKE. then dont read it. just my thoughts. I'll level with you, Jason, that attitude speaks volumes about your character. I am humbled; you're a good man.
As Aristotle once observed, "An idea that cannot withstand mockery is suspicious." Of course, he also said, "The suspicious mind believes more than it doubts," but that's beside the point. ;)
And here's my entry:
A string walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, get outta here! We don't serve your kind!" The string cries out, "But, I'm thirsty and I've just come a long way to get to your bar! The effort was almost overwhelming!!" The bartender comes around the bar, picks him up and starts shaking him around, balls him all up, then tosses him out the front door.
After laying in the gutter for a while, all balled up and covered in grime, the string rolls back up the curb and scrapes along the brick front of the building. He finds some broken glass and rubs himself against that for a while, too. After some effort, he's looking pretty bad, but he rolls back into the bar.
The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey! Aren't you that string I just kicked out of here?" The string slowly looks left, then right, and finally back at the bartender and says, "Me? I'm afraid not!"
:p | |
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Joined:
January 2006
Posts: 387
Location: Whitecourt, Ab | Three Ovation guitar freaks were returning from a weekend of frivolty and factory touring fun, when they decide to take a break on the side of the road.
As coincidence would have it there was a pig with its head stuck in a fence directly in front of them.
"Ooooh I wish that was Brittney" says the first one.
"Ooooh, I wish that was Vanna" says the second one.
"I wish it was dark" says the third | |
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January 2007
Posts: 69
Location: west virginia | lol can you all dance like the chicken?  | |
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March 2005
Posts: 5567
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains | The Chili Judge
Recently Frank (or Judge #3 as we’ll call him) was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous
Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. The original person called in sick at the last moment and he happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. He was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told him he could have free beer during the tasting, so he accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it; Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a Uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
Chili# 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb!
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of him. | |
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Joined:
September 2006
Posts: 10777
Location: Keepin' It Weird in Portland, OR | Hey O?
I just wanted to tell you that I copied both of them "Why Guitars are Better Than..." lists, and I'm gonna send them to my Mom. I sure she will appreciate them.
Yes, a Joke Thread is asking for Trouble, but most of us are Adults (physically) :p | |
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March 2005
Posts: 12761
Location: Boise, Idaho | Jason, if you've only been laughed at for 24 years, you are younger than you look. Growing up Polish in Milwaukee, you either had to develop a thick skin or be able to punch somebody's lights out. My brother could do the latter, but I had to chose the former. Then when we moved away from the Pollock jokes, I became a lawyer and it started all over again. At least I'm not blonde. Most of the blonde jokes I originally heard as Pollock jokes. | |
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January 2007
Posts: 69
Location: west virginia |  | |
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January 2007
Posts: 69
Location: west virginia |  | |
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August 2006
Posts: 3145
Location: Marlton, NJ | Mishka - I love the chili joke! I have that one on my home pc and was gonna post when I found it. Thanks!
Mike | |
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March 2005
Posts: 5567
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains | You're welcome Mike...It still breakes me up everytime I read it...I can visually imagine that poor guy...good stuff!
Blessings | |
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March 2007
Posts: 843
Location: CA | Paddy, is driving home from the pub after downing a few too many lagers. Of course, the way home is familiar as he's driven it a thousand times. But this time, he turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree right in the middle of the road! He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path.
He swerves again, only to discover his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees!
Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop.
The officer approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing. Paddy starts telling his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid sentence and says, "Fer Christ sakes, Paddy, that's yer air freshener!" | |
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November 2005
Posts: 4833
Location: Campbell River, British Columbia | God invented liquor to keep the Irish from taking over the world!
More's the pity. | |
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December 2004
Posts: 4394
Location: East Tennessee | Originally posted by CrimsonLake:
Mishka - I love the chili joke!
Mike So do I. Almost as much as a good Banjo Joke.
How do you get two banjo players to play in unison? Shoot one. | |
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April 2006
Posts: 1017
Location: Budd Lake, NJ | Mishka,
Thanks for the great laugh! I can handle hot, spicy food about as well as poor Judge #3.....unfortunately; it's so easy to picture it all in my mind's eye--and then laugh all over again.
--Karen | |
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November 2005
Posts: 4833
Location: Campbell River, British Columbia | ~Saint Peter is checking in new arrivals in heaven....
~"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a surgeon. I helped the lame to walk."
"Well, go right on in through the Pearly Gates"
"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a school teacher. I taught the blind to see."
"Fine .. go right on in through the Pearly Gates!"
"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a musician. I helped make sad people happy."
"You can load in through the kitchen."
And a million more musicians jokes HERE.
(why reinvent the wheel, I say. Or the banjo, for that matter!)
But wait! There's MORE!
A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the local choral society's annual performance of Handel's Messiah.
He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the conductor. The conductor asked, "Would you like a moment to tune?"
The bass player replied with some surprise, "Why? Isn't it the same as last year?"
There's no END TO IT! (for the Europeans)
Comment fait un altiste pour ne pas avoir l'air riducule?
Il met son alto dans un étui à violon! | |
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August 2006
Posts: 3145
Location: Marlton, NJ | A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying "God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and goodbye grandpa."
The father said, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. Father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless mommy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma." Next day the grandmother died. My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say "God bless mommy and good-bye daddy." He practically went into shock. Couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until
midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee,
looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch. | |
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August 2006
Posts: 3145
Location: Marlton, NJ | The Code Of Man
1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolate (or any of its insipid
counterparts such as Titanic, Beaches, etc).
2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.
3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father,
priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not
and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his
whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail
a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without
recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to
call bullshit. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable
exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)
7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is
off-limits forever.
8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who is
running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10
minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
9. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator is
forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man.
In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional.
11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is
trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away
with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is
forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
12. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his
permission; and he, in return is required to grant it.
13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to
pick a buffalo wing clean.
14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem- you didn't see
nothin'.
15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
17. You girlfriend must bond with your buddy's girlfriends
within 30 minutes of meeting them. You are not required to make nice with her gal-pals' significant others --- low-level sports bonding is all the law requires.
18. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you
may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask
who's playing.
19. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her
whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if
you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
20. Gas Warfare Act: You may flatulate in front of a woman only
after you've brought her to climax. But if you trap her head under the
covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
21. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when
you're sunning on a tropical beach... and a topless supermodel delivers
it...and it's free.
22. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
23. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman
must remain sober enough to fight.
24. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to
fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24
hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.
25. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
26. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while
weightlifting: "Yeah, baby, push it!" "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!" "Another set and we can hit the showers." " Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"
27. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice
of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
28. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be
referring to his beer.
29. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except
when she's withholding sex pending your response.
30. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal
footing - either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other
situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
31. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car,
you may not join him...too gay.
32. Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you
must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "FooK OFF!" You are absolved of your of
responsibility.
33. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a
friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling
weird and guilty is no reason not to do it again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
34. In Black Jack, always split aces and eights. No arguments. | |
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Joined:
August 2006
Posts: 3145
Location: Marlton, NJ | Her Side of the Story:
He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned to
meet at a bar for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later
than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was very slow
going so I thought we should go off somewhere more
intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting
a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't
really sure. So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what
the hell that meant because you know he didn't say it back or anything. We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me!
So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched
on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else.
His Side of the Story:
The Yankees lost. Got laid though. | |
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January 2007
Posts: 69
Location: west virginia | lol I'm afraid to ask where you guys find these jokes at but way to funny | |
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August 2006
Posts: 3145
Location: Marlton, NJ | Misty - over 20 years worth of emails...I've saved only a few of the good ones. | |
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Joined:
August 2006
Posts: 3145
Location: Marlton, NJ | "Oil Change Instructions For Women"
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
$20.00 for oil change
$1.00 for coffee
Total = $21.00
~"Oil Change Instructions For Men"
1) Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: getting hot oil on you in process.
12) Clean up mess.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Look for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
16) Beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug (too far to walk to O'Reilly's).
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
30) Drink beer.
31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
35) Beer.
36) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
37) Beer.
38) Beer.
39) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
40) Beer.
41) Lower car from jack stands.
42) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
43) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
44) Beer.
45) Test drive car.
46) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
47) Car gets impounded.
48) Make bail: Get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
$50.00 parts
$25.00 beer
$75.00 replacement set of jack stands: (hey the colors have to match!!!!) $1,000.00 Bail $200.00 Impound and towing fee $1,350.00 Total | |
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Joined:
January 2007
Posts: 69
Location: west virginia | What a woman says:
"This place is a mess!
C'mon, you and I need to clean,
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes to wear
if we don't do laundry right now!"
What a man hears:
"blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW" | |
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November 2005
Posts: 4833
Location: Campbell River, British Columbia | I'm sorry, what did you say?
I wasn't reading.... | |
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Joined:
December 2003
Posts: 13996
Location: Upper Left USA | A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success. All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says to his wife, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite." | |
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Joined:
January 2007
Posts: 69
Location: west virginia | I'm just wondering if this is true...lol
A Women's Guide To Male English
-- What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
-- I'm hungry = I'm hungry
-- I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
-- I'm tired = I'm tired
-- What's wrong? = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this.
-- Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
-- Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
-- I like that one better (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Man's Guide To Female English
-- We need to talk = I need to complain
-- Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to
-- I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
-- We need = I want
-- It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
-- Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
-- I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
-- You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
-- You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
-- I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I've got my period
-- Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
-- I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
-- I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
-- Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
-- I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
-- Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
-- How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like
-- I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
-- Is my bum fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
-- You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
-- Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
-- Yes = No
-- No = No
-- Maybe = No
-- I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
-- This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
-- Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
-- Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
-- All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook? | |
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Joined:
February 2003
Posts: 2178
Location: the BIG Metropolis of TR | A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad." With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
------
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my
new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have
been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would
not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes
and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion
- Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in
the woods and has a stack Of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of
having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that
marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit, so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I Just wanted to
remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my
center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home!! | |
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boredom