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Posts: 4413
| How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Sorry, man, I don't do lights. |
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May 2003
Posts: 425
Location: SE Michigan | How do you get a drummer off of your front porch?
Pay him for the pizza! |
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February 2005
Posts: 11840
Location: closely held secret | Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Shamus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee." |
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November 2003
Posts: 11039
Location: Earth·SolarSystem·LocalInterstellarCloud·Local Bub | For the Europeans out there....
When you arrive in Heaven;
The English answer the door,
The French do the Cooking,
The Italians provide the entertainment,
and The Germans organise everything....
When you arrive in Hell;
The French answer the door,
The English do the cooking,
The Germans provide the entertainment
and The Italians organise everthing... |
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March 2004
Posts: 1388
Location: Paris/France | :D :D :D |
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January 2002
Posts: 14127
Location: 6 String Ranch | Wouldn't be so funny if it weren't so true. |
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November 2005
Posts: 4833
Location: Campbell River, British Columbia | What's the difference between bagpipes and banjos?
The bagpipes burn longer, but banjos burn hotter. |
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January 2002
Posts: 14127
Location: 6 String Ranch | and nobody cries when you burn either one of them |
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January 2005
Posts: 4903
Location: Phoenix AZ | What's the difference between Cliff and a Bagpipe? Ah, never mind ...
Dave |
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March 2002
Posts: 14842
Location: NJ | ". . What's the difference between Cliff and a Bagpipe? . ."
Witko doesn't get smacked in the back of the head when he's blowing the bagpipe . . . |
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November 2005
Posts: 4833
Location: Campbell River, British Columbia | You squeeze him he makes a little farty sound?...
...no, that can't be it. :confused: |
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January 2005
Posts: 4903
Location: Phoenix AZ | Ya see? I just set these guys up and they get to deliver the punch lines!
Dave |
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November 2005
Posts: 4833
Location: Campbell River, British Columbia | Straight man is the underappreciated job, thanks.
'course it helps when you look like a choirboy
:rolleyes: |
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March 2002
Posts: 14842
Location: NJ | He WAS a choir boy!!!
Just ask Father Pat O'Phelia. |
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March 2005
Posts: 12761
Location: Boise, Idaho | You can lift a bagpipe? |
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November 2005
Posts: 4833
Location: Campbell River, British Columbia | Sure, once the rigor mortis eases the players grip, usually about 12 to 18 hours after you bash his head in. |
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November 2004
Posts: 4413
| I love bagpipes. |
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April 2006
Posts: 1017
Location: Budd Lake, NJ | Believe it or not, I love them, too. I even like banjos; Jack really loved bluegrass, so I learned to love it, too. As for the bagpipes, when your high school team are the Highlanders, well, enough said.
--Karen |
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August 2005
Posts: 3736
Location: Sunshine State, Australia | Q1) What's the worst thing you can do to your wife while having sex?
A1) Phone her.
Q2) What's the worst thing your wife can say to you while you're having sex?
A2) Honey, I'm home.
Sorry, had to get the subject away from bagpipes. |
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March 2002
Posts: 15682
Location: SoCal | As long as we're off topic....
Beer Theories
*Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I
look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of
their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of
work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink
this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my
liver." *
*
Babe Ruth* *
~ *
*
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning,
that's as good as they're going to feel all day." *
*
Lyndon B. Johnson*
*
~ *
*
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Paul Hornung*
*
~ *
*
*"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
H. L. Mencken
*
~~~
~*
*"*When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we
fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So,
let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
George Bernard Shaw
*
~~ *
*
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Benjamin Franklin*
*
~~ *
*
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the
wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
Dave Barry*
*
~~ *
*
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!
W. C. Fields*
*
~~ *
*
*Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
Professor Irwin Corey
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*To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
Leo Durocher
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~~
*
*
One night at Cheers, Cliff Calvin explained the" Buffalo Theory" to his buddy
Norm:*
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast
as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and
weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is
good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the
whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members!
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain
cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells
first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain
cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you
always feel smar ter after few beers." |
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October 2005
Posts: 5332
Location: Bluffton, SC | Originally posted by moody, p.i.:
One night at Cheers, Cliff Calvin explained the" Buffalo Theory" to his buddy
Norm:*...That's why you always feel smarter after few beers." I believe that's Cliff Clavin, Paul.
(HIC!) |
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March 2002
Posts: 15682
Location: SoCal | Not after a couple of beers..... |
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OT - A small smile
