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November 2002
Posts: 1300
Location: Madison, Wisconsin | Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. |
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November 2003
Posts: 11039
Location: Earth·SolarSystem·LocalInterstellarCloud·Local Bub | Here\'s one for the dogs *
*safe for work |
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September 2003
Posts: 9301
Location: south east Michigan | Dats one sick puppy! |
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Joined:
June 2006
Posts: 7307
Location: South of most, North of few | Willard,....you belong here! :D |
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Joined:
November 2002
Posts: 1300
Location: Madison, Wisconsin | I tried to get away but to no avail. |
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Joined:
November 2002
Posts: 3651
Location: Pacific Northwest Inland Empire | "Resistance is futile" |
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August 2003
Posts: 2246
Location: Yucaipa, California | ..you can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave.... |
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January 2002
Posts: 14127
Location: 6 String Ranch | Next.... |
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Joined:
May 2003
Posts: 4389
Location: Capital District, NY, USA Minor Outlying Islands | Woof woof, grrr, woof, ralph woof! Grrr. Aaaahooooo! |
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Joined:
February 2004
Posts: 2487
| Well now there's two I have not heard nor seen before!
Ya know I feel bad about missing the last four club gatherings at the factory. I wanted to meet a few of you and play some music show off some of my guitar licks, have a few drinks, learn a few things at the factory and perhaps make a friend or two in the process.
What was I thinking?
Randy |
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Joined:
November 2002
Posts: 1300
Location: Madison, Wisconsin | One more before the weekend.(Someone sent me a whole list, most of which I won't repeat).
A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. A rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the friars to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars. |
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Joined:
February 2003
Posts: 2178
Location: the BIG Metropolis of TR | Since this has gone to the dogs.....
TO: GOD
FROM: THE DOG
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the
"Chrysler Eagle" the Chrysler Beagle"?
Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beeper s, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths......What do humans understand?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.
1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2.. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3 I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box, although they are tasty.
4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
5. The sofa is not a 'face towel'. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
8. I will not bite the officers' hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.
9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
10. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello".
11. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.
12.. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.
13. I will not throw up in the car.
14. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when we have company.
16. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
And, finally, my last question...
Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back? |
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Joined:
February 2005
Posts: 11840
Location: closely held secret | A Londoner parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.
As he's getting out of the car, a lorry speeds along too close to the curb and takes off the door before zooming off.
More than a little distraught, the Londoner grabs his mobile and calls the police.
Five minutes later, the police arrive.
Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: "My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined! No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!"
After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.
"I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Londoners are," he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" sobs the Porsche owner.
The policeman replies, "Didn't you realize that your left arm was torn off when the truck hit you?"
The Londoner looks down in horror... "Bloody hell!", he screams. "Where's my Rolex????" |
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Joined:
February 2003
Posts: 2178
Location: the BIG Metropolis of TR | If you don't laugh at this clip you're not breathing... |
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Comic relief
