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| Random quote: "One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain." - Bob Marley |
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| Forums Archive -> The Vault: 2007 | Message format | |
Mark in Boise |
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Joined: March 2005 Posts: 12761 Location: Boise, Idaho | Jason, if you've only been laughed at for 24 years, you are younger than you look. Growing up Polish in Milwaukee, you either had to develop a thick skin or be able to punch somebody's lights out. My brother could do the latter, but I had to chose the former. Then when we moved away from the Pollock jokes, I became a lawyer and it started all over again. At least I'm not blonde. Most of the blonde jokes I originally heard as Pollock jokes. | ||
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| ovation? |
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Joined: January 2007 Posts: 69 Location: west virginia |  | ||
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| ovation? |
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Joined: January 2007 Posts: 69 Location: west virginia |  | ||
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| CrimsonLake |
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Joined: August 2006 Posts: 3145 Location: Marlton, NJ | Mishka - I love the chili joke! I have that one on my home pc and was gonna post when I found it. Thanks! Mike | ||
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| MusicMishka |
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Joined: March 2005 Posts: 5567 Location: Blue Ridge Mountains | You're welcome Mike...It still breakes me up everytime I read it...I can visually imagine that poor guy...good stuff! Blessings | ||
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| Oddball |
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Joined: March 2007 Posts: 843 Location: CA | Paddy, is driving home from the pub after downing a few too many lagers. Of course, the way home is familiar as he's driven it a thousand times. But this time, he turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree right in the middle of the road! He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again, only to discover his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees! Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop. The officer approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing. Paddy starts telling his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid sentence and says, "Fer Christ sakes, Paddy, that's yer air freshener!" | ||
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| fillhixx |
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Joined: November 2005 Posts: 4833 Location: Campbell River, British Columbia | God invented liquor to keep the Irish from taking over the world! More's the pity. | ||
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| Capo Guy |
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Joined: December 2004 Posts: 4394 Location: East Tennessee | Originally posted by CrimsonLake: So do I. Almost as much as a good Banjo Joke. Mishka - I love the chili joke! Mike How do you get two banjo players to play in unison? Shoot one. | ||
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| Jewel's Mom a/k/a Joisey Goil #1 |
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Joined: April 2006 Posts: 1017 Location: Budd Lake, NJ | Mishka, Thanks for the great laugh! I can handle hot, spicy food about as well as poor Judge #3.....unfortunately; it's so easy to picture it all in my mind's eye--and then laugh all over again. --Karen | ||
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| fillhixx |
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Joined: November 2005 Posts: 4833 Location: Campbell River, British Columbia | ~Saint Peter is checking in new arrivals in heaven.... ~"What did you do on Earth?" "I was a surgeon. I helped the lame to walk." "Well, go right on in through the Pearly Gates" "What did you do on Earth?" "I was a school teacher. I taught the blind to see." "Fine .. go right on in through the Pearly Gates!" "What did you do on Earth?" "I was a musician. I helped make sad people happy." "You can load in through the kitchen." And a million more musicians jokes HERE. (why reinvent the wheel, I say. Or the banjo, for that matter!) But wait! There's MORE! A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the local choral society's annual performance of Handel's Messiah. He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the conductor. The conductor asked, "Would you like a moment to tune?" The bass player replied with some surprise, "Why? Isn't it the same as last year?" There's no END TO IT! (for the Europeans) Comment fait un altiste pour ne pas avoir l'air riducule? Il met son alto dans un étui à violon! | ||
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| CrimsonLake |
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Joined: August 2006 Posts: 3145 Location: Marlton, NJ | A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying "God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and goodbye grandpa." The father said, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. Father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless mommy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma." Next day the grandmother died. My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say "God bless mommy and good-bye daddy." He practically went into shock. Couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch. | ||
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| CrimsonLake |
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Joined: August 2006 Posts: 3145 Location: Marlton, NJ | The Code Of Man 1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolate (or any of its insipid counterparts such as Titanic, Beaches, etc). 2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella. 3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers. 4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence. 5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. 6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call bullshit. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent) 7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever. 8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who is running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale. 9. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable. 10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional. 11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party. 12. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission; and he, in return is required to grant it. 13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean. 14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem- you didn't see nothin'. 15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer. 16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat. 17. You girlfriend must bond with your buddy's girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them. You are not required to make nice with her gal-pals' significant others --- low-level sports bonding is all the law requires. 18. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. 19. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood. 20. Gas Warfare Act: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you've brought her to climax. But if you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend. 21. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and a topless supermodel delivers it...and it's free. 22. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. 23. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. 24. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy. 25. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. 26. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weightlifting: "Yeah, baby, push it!" "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!" "Another set and we can hit the showers." " Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?" 27. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean. 28. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer. 29. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response. 30. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing - either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need. 31. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay. 32. Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "FooK OFF!" You are absolved of your of responsibility. 33. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to do it again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was. 34. In Black Jack, always split aces and eights. No arguments. | ||
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| CrimsonLake |
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Joined: August 2006 Posts: 3145 Location: Marlton, NJ | Her Side of the Story: He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned to meet at a bar for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he didn't say it back or anything. We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else. His Side of the Story: The Yankees lost. Got laid though. | ||
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| ovation? |
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Joined: January 2007 Posts: 69 Location: west virginia | lol I'm afraid to ask where you guys find these jokes at but way to funny | ||
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| CrimsonLake |
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Joined: August 2006 Posts: 3145 Location: Marlton, NJ | Misty - over 20 years worth of emails...I've saved only a few of the good ones. | ||
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| CrimsonLake |
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Joined: August 2006 Posts: 3145 Location: Marlton, NJ | "Oil Change Instructions For Women" 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change. 2) Drink a cup of coffee. 3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. Money spent: $20.00 for oil change $1.00 for coffee Total = $21.00 ~"Oil Change Instructions For Men" 1) Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree. 2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard. 3) Open a beer and drink it. 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7) Place drain pan under engine. 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 9) Give up and use crescent wrench. 10) Unscrew drain plug. 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: getting hot oil on you in process. 12) Clean up mess. 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain. 14) Look for oil filter wrench. 15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off. 16) Beer. 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow. 18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18. 20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday. 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer. 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 24) Remember drain plug from step 11. 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug. 27) Drink beer. 28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug (too far to walk to O'Reilly's). 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. 30) Drink beer. 31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame. 32) Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31. 33) Begin cussing fit. 34) Throw wrench. 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob. 35) Beer. 36) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow. 37) Beer. 38) Beer. 39) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. 40) Beer. 41) Lower car from jack stands. 42) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands. 43) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23. 44) Beer. 45) Test drive car. 46) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence. 47) Car gets impounded. 48) Make bail: Get car from impound yard. Money spent: $50.00 parts $25.00 beer $75.00 replacement set of jack stands: (hey the colors have to match!!!!) $1,000.00 Bail $200.00 Impound and towing fee $1,350.00 Total | ||
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| ovation? |
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Joined: January 2007 Posts: 69 Location: west virginia | What a woman says: "This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean, Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now!" What a man hears: "blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW" | ||
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| fillhixx |
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Joined: November 2005 Posts: 4833 Location: Campbell River, British Columbia | I'm sorry, what did you say? I wasn't reading.... | ||
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| MWoody |
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Joined: December 2003 Posts: 13996 Location: Upper Left USA | A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success. All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail." The man turns with a confused look on his face and says to his wife, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite." | ||
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| ovation? |
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Joined: January 2007 Posts: 69 Location: west virginia | I'm just wondering if this is true...lol A Women's Guide To Male English -- What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? -- I'm hungry = I'm hungry -- I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy -- I'm tired = I'm tired -- What's wrong? = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this. -- Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before -- Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn't look that much different! -- I like that one better (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Man's Guide To Female English -- We need to talk = I need to complain -- Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to -- I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important -- We need = I want -- It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now -- Do what you want = You'll pay for this later -- I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! -- You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot -- You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? -- I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I've got my period -- Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs -- I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... -- I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white -- Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! -- I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep -- Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive -- How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like -- I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV -- Is my bum fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful -- You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me -- Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.] -- Yes = No -- No = No -- Maybe = No -- I'm sorry = You'll be sorry -- This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house -- Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it -- Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep. -- All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook? | ||
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| TRboy |
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Joined: February 2003 Posts: 2178 Location: the BIG Metropolis of TR | A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad." With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. ------ Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion - Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack Of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit, so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your Son John PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home!! | ||
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