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Posts: 69
Location: west virginia | any of you guys know any jokes...haha dumb question please i'm bored here.... :D |
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August 2002
Posts: 8307
Location: Tennessee | Paddy was late to Mass, and couldn't find a parking place anywhere. He got more and more frustrated, especially since this was the first time he'd been to Mass in over a year. So finally he looked up to the sky and said, "Lord, if you give me a parking place, I promise to go to Mass every week, and I'll even give up the whiskey". He looks back down, and lo and behold, there is a parking place right in front of him! So Paddy says, "Never mind, Lord, I found one". |
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October 2005
Posts: 5332
Location: Bluffton, SC | :D :D
(BTW - great to see you again, Stoney!) |
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January 2007
Posts: 69
Location: west virginia | lol that one's good |
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October 2006
Posts: 5575
Location: big island | three guys who work on an oil derrick out in the gulf are due for a weekend furlough to the coast. on their helicopter flight to town one of them says, "hey guys, why don't we all find something special to bring back with us to the derrick. y'know, something we can do to help pass the hours. all this tv and beer drinkin' every night is gettin' old already." the other two agreed it was indeed a great idea. once in town, they went their separate ways and each set out to find the perfect thing to help while away the hours.
they met up for the flight back out to the derrick, packages in hand, each one content with their own choices and knowing the other two would be absolutely thrilled with their idea.
once seated inside the chopper, the white boy says, "okay guys, since it was my idea, i'm first." and he proceeds to pull a deck of cards out of his bag. "man, ain't this great? we can play poker all night and do some gamblin' with all that money we're a'makin'." the other two nodded their approval, but were not overly excited. the black boy was next and he reached down inside a rather large box and hoisted a boom box onto his shoulder. "yeah, blood, an' while we's a gamblin' we can boogie down to some funk!" the other two nodded and smiled in agreement. now the third guy, he's portuguese by birth. he says, "man, you two did all right, but it don't even compare to what i found. just check this out." he opens his bag and pulls out a box of tampons. the other two look at him as if he has gone totally berserk. the white boy asks, "what in the world are three guys on an oil derrick gonna do with a box of tampons, you idiot?" "well...", says the portuguese, "look right here on the back of this box. it says, "with this product, you can swim, horseback ride, play tennis, golf, jog, or any other normal activities".
(in hawaii, we tell "port-a-gee" jokes, instead of polish ones...) |
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January 2007
Posts: 69
Location: west virginia | ROFLMBO that was good ....oh my ... my sides are still hurting from laughing at that one thank you guys....misty |
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February 2003
Posts: 2178
Location: the BIG Metropolis of TR | Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After ordering their cornbread
and beans, they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard
business.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to
cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real
distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya' swallar?" The
woman shakes her head 'no.'
"Kin ya' breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head
'no.'
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress,
yanks down her drawers and quickly, gives her right butt cheek, a lick
with his tongue!
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction
flies out of her mouth! As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly
walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, "Ya' know, I'd heerd of dat dere 'Hind Lick Maneuver',
but I ain't never seed nobody do it." |
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January 2007
Posts: 69
Location: west virginia |  they just get better....oh my too funny |
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October 2006
Posts: 5575
Location: big island | |
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December 2005
Posts: 1234
Location: Tidal Mudflats of Virginia | I just spit soda all over my laptop
"Hind Lick Maneuver" HAHAHAHAHAHA |
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January 2007
Posts: 69
Location: west virginia | The Blonde and the Deodorant
The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don''t sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I''m sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don''t have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom." |
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January 2007
Posts: 69
Location: west virginia | JUST WONDERING IF THESE SIGNS REMIND YOU ALL OF ANYONE OVER THE WEEKEND?
Top ten signs that you are too drunk
10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.
9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
6. You can focus better with one eye closed.
5. You fall off the floor.
5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.
4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.
3. Roseanne looks good.
2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.
1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up. |
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April 2006
Posts: 972
Location: PDX | A guitarist walks into the music store and says, "I'd like to get some strings for my Ovation."
The clerk hesitates a moment thinking and then replies, "Ok, but you'll have to include the case too."
_____
gh1 |
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July 2005
Posts: 3411
Location: GA USA | A group of scientists had the world's last female albino gorilla. Since she was the last, and they didn't want them to become extinct, they tried to mate her with all the male albino gorillas they could find, but to no avail. So they put an ad in the paper... "Man needed for scientific experiment - $500"
A um, Portuguese fellow answered the ad and asked, "What's this about an experiment?" They told him that they needed him to mate with a female albino gorilla. He replied that he would have to think about it for a day or two.
When he returned he said he's do it on three conditions. The scientists assured him that would be no problem, and inquired what the conditions might be.
He told them:
1) There will be no hugging and kissing
2) If successful, the child won't be raised catholic, and
3) "It's going to take me a few weeks to raise the $500" |
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April 2006
Posts: 848
Location: Munich, Germany | A wealthy hospital benefactor was visiting the local hospital, when during her tour of floors, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my GOD!" said the woman. "That's disgraceful. Why is he doing that?"
The doctor that was leading the tour explained, "I am sorry, but this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they'll explode and he will die within
minutes."
"Oh, that's terrible," said the woman.
In the very next room they could see that a female nurse was performing oral sex on a different male patient.
"OH MY GOD!" said the woman, "How can that be justified?!?"
The doctor replied, "Same illness, better health plan." |
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June 2006
Posts: 7307
Location: South of most, North of few | Originally posted by gh1:
A guitarist walks into the music store and says, "I'd like to get some strings for my Ovation."
The clerk hesitates a moment thinking and then replies, "Ok, but you'll have to include the case too."
_____
gh1 Now THATS funny :D |
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December 2004
Posts: 4394
Location: East Tennessee | Subject: CRUISE SPECIAL
A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the
window, "Cruise Special -- $99!" So she goes inside, lays
her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise
special, please."
The agent says, "Yes, ma'am," the he grabs her, drags her
into the back room, ties her into a large inner tube, pulls
her out the back door and downhill to the river bank, where
he pushes her in and sends her floating down the river.
A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign,
goes inside, lays down her money, and asks for the $99
special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating
down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she
eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side
by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they
serve refreshments on his cruise?"
The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year." |
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January 2007
Posts: 69
Location: west virginia | ok you guys will like this even tho im a woman posting it...!!!
Why guitars are better then woman..
Guitars don't get pregnant.
You can play your Guitar any time of the month.
Guitars don't have parents.
Guitars don't whine... unless you want them to.
You can share your Guitar with your friends.
Guitars don't care how many other Guitars you've played
Guitars don't care how many other Guitars you have.
Guitars don't care if you look at other Guitars.
Guitars don't care if you buy Guitar magazines.
You'll never hear, "Surprise, you are going to proud father of a new Guitar" unless you go out to buy one yourself.
If your Guitar is flat you can fix it.
Your Guitar doesn't care if you never listen to it.
Your Guitar won't care if you leave up the toilet seat.
You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your Guitar.
If you say bad things to your Guitar, you don't have to apologize before you play it again.
You can play your Guitar as long as you want and it won't get sore.
You can stop playing your Guitar as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated.
Your parents won't remain in touch with your old Guitar after you dump it.
Guitars don't get headaches.
Guitars don't insult you if you're a bad player.
Your Guitar never wants a night out with the other Guitars.
Guitars don't care if you're late.
You don't have to take a shower before you play your Guitar.
If your Guitar doesn't look good you can refinish it or get new parts.
You can play your Guitar the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.
The only protection you have to wear when playing your Guitar is a decent thumb pick.
When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great time you had the last time you played your Guitar.
and last, but not least:
If you decide to part with an old Guitar, you don't have to give up half of everything you own. |
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January 2007
Posts: 69
Location: west virginia | What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common.
Both suck when you plug them in. |
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October 2006
Posts: 5575
Location: big island | "why guitars are better than women"...
:D
guitars do have strings attached though. |
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Joined:
January 2007
Posts: 69
Location: west virginia | How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say they could have done it better. |
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January 2007
Posts: 69
Location: west virginia | How do you make a guitarist's eyes light up?
Shine a flashlight in his ear |
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Joined:
March 2005
Posts: 1421
Location: Orange County, California | Two Minnesotans, Sven & Ole, walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if hecan help them. "Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in datcage up dere," says Sven.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake.
At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."
He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal,Ole shakes his head and says, "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie yumping is too dangerous for me."
VAIT!!!Dere's MORE!
Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hey, Ole. Vatch dis." Knute says.
He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Ole watches as half way down, Knutetakes the gun and shoots the parrot. Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrot shooting either."
BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE , you betcha!!
Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the petshop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken. Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Ole shakes his head. "First der was Sven with his budgie yumping, den Knute parrot shooting ... and now Lars, hen gliding .."
Don't Vait. Der ain't no more!! |
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October 2006
Posts: 5575
Location: big island | excellent joke, fred!
i've seen a few other forums that have a permanent thread for jokes. has this been considered, al? |
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Joined:
January 2007
Posts: 69
Location: west virginia | lol...... :D |
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boredom
