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| Forums Archive -> The Vault: 2007 | Message format | |
ovation? |
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Joined: January 2007 Posts: 69 Location: west virginia | Q: Did you hear about the guitar player who locked his keys in the van? A: Took him 3 hours to get the drummer out. | ||
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| ovation? |
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Joined: January 2007 Posts: 69 Location: west virginia | Q: How many guitar players does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 5 - one to hold it in place and 4 to drink beer until the room spins | ||
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| ovation? |
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Joined: January 2007 Posts: 69 Location: west virginia | WHY GUITARS ARE BETTER THAN MEN Guitars don't work late. Your Guitar stays as clean as you want it to. Guitars don't have parents or kids. Guitars don't get sick. Guitars don't get overweight, unless you like the Jumbo style. If you say bad things to your Guitar, you don't have to apologize before you play it again. Your Guitar always has time for you. Guitars don't watch TV. Guitars never need a shave, nor do they have hair on their backs. Guitars don't snore. Guitars don't leave a mess in the kitchen or bathroom. If you don't like the length of your Guitar's appendage you can get a new one. You can try out as many Guitars as you like before you get your own. You don't have to feed your Guitar. Guitars never argue, you are always right. Guitars never wake you up in the middle of the night, for any reason. Guitars never try to show you off to their friends. Guitars don't come home drunk after a night out with the other Guitars. Guitars don't sneak around with other Guitars. Guitars don't care what you look like or what your age is. Guitars don't care and don't comment about what you spend your money on. Guitars don't care if you have to work late. When you're playing, your Guitar doesn't care if other Guitars are bigger or better. Guitars don't care about their performance. Guitars don't get you pregnant. Guitars don't have mothers. When you've finished playing, you can put it away. You don't have to praise a Guitar after playing it. Guitars don't sulk. Guitars don't bore you. Guitars don't abandon you at gatherings for more interesting players. Guitars don't have to prove anything. Guitars don't try to change you once you've bought them. Guitars don't get jealous of your male colleagues. Guitars never interrogate you. Second-hand Guitars don't brag about previous owners. Second-hand Guitars don't go to see previous owners when you're out of town. You don't have to explain to a Guitar if you don't feel like playing tonight. Guitars never put you down, yet you can put them down whenever you wish. Guitars don't complain if you wear "sensible" clothes. Guitars don't have egos. Guitars don't need remote control units. When you're lost you don't have to argue with your Guitar about stopping to ask the band for directions. When your Guitar is being played too slow, you can speed up. When you need someone to play with, your Guitar is happy to accomodate. You buy the tools your Guitar needs; it doesn't buy tools that never get used. You don't have to continually assure your Guitar that its string length is just right. You determine the length and frequency of playing, and you're always in control. Your Guitar never finishes before you do. Your Guitar doesn't complain about your going out to dinner with your women friends rather than staying at home with it. You never get helpful suggestions from your Guitar's mother. Your Guitars will allow you to play it even on Super Bowl Sunday. Your Guitar never complains if you put on a few pounds. When your Guitar is dysfunctional you know how to get it fixed (and knowthat it can be fixed). Your Guitar will never earn more than you do for the same job just because it's a Guitar. Your Guitar never spends a "night out with the Guitars" and comes home with a strange rash on its fretboard. and last, but not least: Your Guitar will never turn into a beer bellied blob of wood and metal on the couch in front of the TV. | ||
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| ovation? |
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Joined: January 2007 Posts: 69 Location: west virginia | A Pollack walked into a bar and sat down at the bar, where a news report was on TV. On the news a man was on a ledge outside an upper floor of a building threatening to jump. The bartender, who'd seen the news report before said, "I'll bet you $50 he's going to jump." The Pollack took the bet and put down a $50 bill on the bar. Then the man on the ledge jumped to his death. The bartender picked up the $50 bill but then, realizing that he'd taken advantage of a poor, dumb Pollack, his conscience got the better of him and he said, "Look, I'm going to give you back your money. I have to confess that I saw that news report before." "That's O.K.," said the Pollack, "I saw it before too, but I didn't think he was gonna do it again!" | ||
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| Tupperware |
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Joined: January 2005 Posts: 4903 Location: Phoenix AZ | Originally posted by Lanaki: Personal opinion here, but I can't believe this thread is still open at all. Lifting up a womans dress, licking her ass, masterbation and oral sex? i've seen a few other forums that have a permanent thread for jokes. has this been considered, al? I can only guess that Al's contactors must have showed up today. I don't know, maybe I'm getting old but at least when we veer off into sexual or racial innuendo within a topic there is usually some (very, very remote) link to the original topic. A thread dedicated to jokes? You're asking for disaster. Dave Dave | ||
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| ovation? |
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Joined: January 2007 Posts: 69 Location: west virginia | A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license. The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer." The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror. She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now." | ||
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| ovation? |
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Joined: January 2007 Posts: 69 Location: west virginia | A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?” To which she replied, “There certainly is!” My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!” | ||
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| Capo Guy |
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Joined: December 2004 Posts: 4394 Location: East Tennessee | If you're driving faster than the speed of light, what happens when you turn on your headlights? :D | ||
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| lanaki |
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Joined: October 2006 Posts: 5575 Location: big island | Originally posted by Tupperware: yes, dave, and unfortunately one that would require too much monitoring. i had in mind the kind of jokes that could be easily shared with the family around the dinner table, et al. (and al! :D )A thread dedicated to jokes? You're asking for disaster. Dave | ||
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| TRboy |
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Joined: February 2003 Posts: 2178 Location: the BIG Metropolis of TR | A FEW DEFINITIONS: ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage. HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines. | ||
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| Waskel |
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Joined: February 2005 Posts: 11840 Location: closely held secret | Originally posted by Tupperware: Yep. I agree with Dave on this one. Things go south way too fast around here as it is.A thread dedicated to jokes? You're asking for disaster. | ||
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| ovation? |
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Joined: January 2007 Posts: 69 Location: west virginia | :D hey i didn't start it....lol | ||
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| MusicMishka |
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Joined: March 2005 Posts: 5567 Location: Blue Ridge Mountains | I enjoy a good joke as much as anybody; but "jokes" spring boarding off of gender, race, ethnicity, and sexual content are not humor and truly have no place in this forum. Even if I think they are ok for me, they might bring pain or shame to someone else or worse: they might suggest it is ok to berate humans in that manner, It is never OK to do that! Agape' Love (the highest form of caring) is this: Always thinking the best and always doing the best for others! Blessings... | ||
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| Yak |
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Joined: September 2006 Posts: 347 Location: Reno, NV | I copied this one, so don't shoot the messenger.. Thought it was pretty funny. An Irishman, a Mexican, and a Redneck were doing construction work on a scaffold on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said; "Corned beef and cabbage. If I get Corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed; "Burritos again. If I get Burritos one more time I'm going to jump too." The Redneck opened his lunch and said; "Bologna again. If I get a Bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too." Next Day: The Irishman opens his lunch box, sees Corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a Burrito and jumps too. The Redneck opens his lunch, sees the Bologna and jumps to his death also. At The Funeral The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says; "If I'd known how really tired he was of Corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again." The Mexican's wife also weeps and says; "I could have given him Tacos or Enchiladas. I didn't realize he hated Burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the Redneck's wife....Hey, don't look at me," she said, He makes his OWN lunch!" | ||
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| lanaki |
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Joined: October 2006 Posts: 5575 Location: big island | Originally posted by MusicMishka: mike, I enjoy a good joke as much as anybody; but "jokes" spring boarding off of gender, race, ethnicity, and sexual content are not humor and truly have no place in this forum. Even if I think they are ok for me, they might bring pain or shame to someone else or worse: they might suggest it is ok to berate humans in that manner, It is never OK to do that! Agape' Love (the highest form of caring) is this: Always thinking the best and always doing the best for others! Blessings... this is no joke. i am married to a portuguese woman. she is so portuguese, she has papers. portuguese people feel they were put here in hawaii by God to help enhance the lives of others. laughter is good medicine and they are truly happy to help! in fact, portuguese people here tell "port-a-gee" jokes and love laughing at themselves. i totally understand your heart on this issue and i agree... up to the portuguese point. :D | ||
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| Jason_S |
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Joined: August 2006 Posts: 2804 Location: ranson,wva | you can tell all the irish jokes you want. we just get drunk and either laugh at our selvs or start fights..lol heres my out look on that subject,you may think i dont have a heart or im just a numb person but its just a damn joke. take it from someone who has been laughed at and not ever been taken seriously for going on 24 years now,if you cant laugh at a joke and take it for what it is,A JOKE. then dont read it. just my thoughts. btw randy i happen to love portuguese food....mike,nothing persoanl just my opinion...jason | ||
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| Grif |
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Joined: February 2004 Posts: 548 Location: Up North | True story: For years I thought my Mom's side of the family was French, turns out after an exhaustive search by an ambitious relative, we're really of Portugese decent. (family name: Killer, name changed to Joseph on arrival in Canada in 1688). Just thought I'd add some fodder for the Portugese jokes. Go figure. | ||
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| lanaki |
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Joined: October 2006 Posts: 5575 Location: big island | grif, my wife's family on her dad's side are joseph's. her grandfather was a french canadian playboy whose last name was seguin. married a joseph girl here in hawaii. | ||
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| Grif |
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Joined: February 2004 Posts: 548 Location: Up North | Whoah! we could be related, lots of Seguin's and Joseph's around here. | ||
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| MusicMishka |
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Joined: March 2005 Posts: 5567 Location: Blue Ridge Mountains | Guys, no offence taken or meant...I actually wasn't refering to anyone speciffically; I'm a minister and look at all of the preacher jokes going around: 90 percent are great as are the ones you guys are referring to about yourselves, and no harm is intended. But my point is that some get carried away without thinking of the hurt it might cause someone else...lets just think about others and go the extra mile to avoid causing anyone pain if possible. Laughter is great: it takes more muscles to frown than laugh; but lets be caring in our humor...I've always been overweight as well and growing up heard a lot of "fat" jokes...some were really hurtful; perhaps not intentionally but hurtful none the less. I would not wish that on anyone. Laughing at ourselves without laughng at someone is the fine line... Sorry to be so long winded...its a fat thing, lol! :D Blessings... | ||
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| cruster |
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Joined: May 2004 Posts: 2850 Location: Midland, MI | Originally posted by Jason_S: I resemble that remark. Except for the fighting. And I'm only part Irish (and no, I'm not telling which parts). you can tell all the irish jokes you want. we just get drunk and either laugh at our selvs or start fights..lol Originally posted by Jason_S: I'll level with you, Jason, that attitude speaks volumes about your character. I am humbled; you're a good man. ...take it from someone who has been laughed at and not ever been taken seriously for going on 24 years now,if you cant laugh at a joke and take it for what it is,A JOKE. then dont read it. just my thoughts. As Aristotle once observed, "An idea that cannot withstand mockery is suspicious." Of course, he also said, "The suspicious mind believes more than it doubts," but that's beside the point. ;) And here's my entry: A string walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, get outta here! We don't serve your kind!" The string cries out, "But, I'm thirsty and I've just come a long way to get to your bar! The effort was almost overwhelming!!" The bartender comes around the bar, picks him up and starts shaking him around, balls him all up, then tosses him out the front door. After laying in the gutter for a while, all balled up and covered in grime, the string rolls back up the curb and scrapes along the brick front of the building. He finds some broken glass and rubs himself against that for a while, too. After some effort, he's looking pretty bad, but he rolls back into the bar. The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey! Aren't you that string I just kicked out of here?" The string slowly looks left, then right, and finally back at the bartender and says, "Me? I'm afraid not!" :p | ||
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| rededdie |
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Joined: January 2006 Posts: 387 Location: Whitecourt, Ab | Three Ovation guitar freaks were returning from a weekend of frivolty and factory touring fun, when they decide to take a break on the side of the road. As coincidence would have it there was a pig with its head stuck in a fence directly in front of them. "Ooooh I wish that was Brittney" says the first one. "Ooooh, I wish that was Vanna" says the second one. "I wish it was dark" says the third | ||
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| ovation? |
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Joined: January 2007 Posts: 69 Location: west virginia | lol can you all dance like the chicken?  | ||
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| MusicMishka |
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Joined: March 2005 Posts: 5567 Location: Blue Ridge Mountains | The Chili Judge Recently Frank (or Judge #3 as we’ll call him) was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. The original person called in sick at the last moment and he happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. He was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told him he could have free beer during the tasting, so he accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all. Here are the scorecards from the event: Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it; Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy. Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a Uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. Chili# 4: Bubba's Black Magic JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb! FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress. FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of him. | ||
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| Old Man Arthur |
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Joined: September 2006 Posts: 10777 Location: Keepin' It Weird in Portland, OR | Hey O? I just wanted to tell you that I copied both of them "Why Guitars are Better Than..." lists, and I'm gonna send them to my Mom. I sure she will appreciate them. Yes, a Joke Thread is asking for Trouble, but most of us are Adults (physically) :p | ||
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